We're in a relationship
Pardon my disposition, but I'm a little confused. I don't know how it happened, but somewhere along the line the word "relationship" became marred in a cacophony of misinterpretations and misnomers. I'd like to blame facebook profiling, but it started way before then. The truth is, you have a "relationship" with every single person you come in contact with. Of course some will be valued more than others, but a relationship is simply a manifestation of your association with another human being. So, when people launch into their personal "I'm ready for a relationship" discourse, they really mean "I'm bored, lonely and it's raining outside. The cold side of my pillow isn't cutting it anymore. I'm ready to be boo'ed up." And at that point...they missed the point.
One inherent benefit of being single is the freedom to nurture relationships of all kinds. All relationships are fertile ground, provided they don't divert your unyielding attention from your personal goals. As most can attest to, when you establish a romantic bond with someone, many of the external relations that you established prior to the boyfriend/girlfriend link go into a holding pattern. You aren't around as much. People start to hear your voicemail more than they hear you. And every time it's time for a group outing, you promise to "meet them out there." Keep it 100 my friend. You knew you were never going in the first place. But that's OK. It's instinctive to reassign your attention when you are romantically involved with someone. However, when you are single, you can freely invest in relationships, without the congenital rope of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship pulling you back in. Of course, the lines of demarcation must be clearly drawn and established, but if you manage to keep those lines in tact, you'll never have to worry about "being in a relationship" again. Here are some of the blocks...start building.
Association
Simply put, you see these are the folks that get a light pound, a church hug, and maybe a little small talk. Sure, they invite you to come kick it, but both parties are aware that the overture is an empty formality, never to be fulfilled. Occasionally, if someone strikes you as a reputable individual you extend that relationship to the next level.
Fellowship
This stage is determined by a simple boundary…commonality. A fellowship partner is someone who you are willing to spend time with based on a shared basis of thinking. This is usually where the wheels come screeching off most relationship wagons. We often fail to gauge whether someone shares our values and beliefs. Instead we decide they are a cool associate, so he why not fellowship with them. Wrong answer. When I was younger, my Mom always told me “Don’t Talk to Strangers.” It made sense then, and it still makes sense now. If I don’t know you, and I can’t immediately recognize that you’re someone I’d like to know, then your sir or madam are a stranger, therefore I’m probably not going to fellowship with you (unless of course God calls me to do otherwise). Why would I kick it with someone who deals coke? When the cops come they aren’t going to stop and ask “Whose dope is this?” Can I really invite an atheist over for dinner? I could, but then saying grace would be kind of awkward. Don’t confuse this with elitism or judgment. What people do with their lives is between them and their God. But he blessed me with free will, and I will use it to my advantage(I’m sorry. I had to do it. Hit the rim shot and move on).
Bad company corrupts good character…so keep an eye on your company.
Friendship
This is when the crowd thins out. Friendship is a sacred bond that requires true familial kinship and love. Look at the story of David and Jonathan. The Bible says that “Jonathan Loved David. In fact, he loved David so much that he was willing to betray his own Father to save David’s life. That’s deeper than “lets go play ball together,” and heavier than trips to the nail salon. That was true Agape love emanating from one person to another. It’s powerful stuff. The caveat to this stage is that you can only establish a friendship with time and effort. For the most part, people tow the line between friendship and fellowship simply for convenience sake. If I say “Oh who’s that you were with?” you’ll invariably say “Oh that’s my friend such and such.” It’s a nice way to package the relationship without explaining that you kick it with them, but it’s not that deep. The real testament of a friendship comes with adversity and I ask “Yo, why didn’t you call such and such?” and your reply is a blank stare than need not be accompanied by words. It’s cool. I get it. It’s just "such and such."
Unfortunately, when coupled with the male-female dynamic, friendship is a bewildering concept. You see we have hormones, and sometimes those hormones make us do imprudent things. We’ve all been there. I know you probably did that. She is bad…all types of it. And he looks good, and talks it even better. So now you have to be coy. You have to package this in a way that doesn’t look suspicious or put your emotions at risk. So you both say “Let’s be friends.” Friends as in-we-sleeping-together. Friends as in we “dating-but-don’t-know-what-to-call-it-and-I-like-other-people-too-so-this-sounds-safe.” Sorry guys. I’m not talking about that type of friend. I know. It’s easy. It’s convenient. It keeps people out of your business, and most importantly if gives you a false sense of reality. It is perfectly fine to be attracted to someone. It’s a natural hormonal reaction, and if you don’t feel it toward anyone you might want to go see a doctor. The key to maintaining a friendship is to coral those hormones and do things the right way. While attraction is normal, it is fleeting and deceptive. Most of the time you are initially attracted to WHAT that person is and not WHO they are (shout out to Jas http://nallthatjas.blogspot.com/2009/08/me-or-thought-of-me.html ). People operate like dice. There are several sides to them, but they change once you shake them up. A common sentiment in failed relationships is that “I thought I knew him/her. I never knew she could do that.” You probably didn’t because you didn’t take the time out to be genuine friends first. We know who our true friends are because we know exactly who they are…flaws and all, yet we still choose to hang around because of the kinship of character.
If you are lost in the turbid fog of attraction, you inevitably rationalize, ignore, and excuse anything that tells you that this thing should probably never extend beyond friendship. Does she keep acting dejected and insecure? Be a friend and encourage…but don’t date her. Did you catch him drunkenly groping a girl outside a club…Say shame on him, but he’s probably not the guy you want to date. I know you don’t want to, but it’s essential to take stock of everything and make a decision accordingly. Shake the dice. Toss ‘em against the wall. Sure, you'll crap out sometimes, but if you can enjoy the instances when you hit a 7, them you've found a good friend.
Courtship
This as the foggiest of all stages, because technically this is the boyfriend/girlfriend stage. But usually we take it too far and we’re back to practicing bad relationship habits. At this point you’ve acknowledged that you are attracted to each other and said “Hey, let’s enter into a monogamous romantic relationship.” Does that mean you abandon your singleness? Absolutely not. He can still go out with whoever he wants, whenever he wants. She doesn’t have to check in when she’s out. He doesn’t have to put in on your bills. And if she moves away, stay put unless you have a better opportunity where she is. You’re single…but you signed a contract to be monogamous.
Simply put. There is no “Us.” We are two single entities who enjoy each others company. No more, no less. And let’s not forget that you are still obligated to observe the rules of virtue and righteousness. That never changes. A sobering element of this relationship is the acknowledgment of hierarchy. Realistically, this person should come around 5th on your list of important things. You know behind God, yourself, family, career. Tough pill to swallow? That’s probably because you need to go back to friendship or fellowship.
The only way a courtship can work is if it features a key element of agape love: trust. If at anytime distrust makes its way to the relationship, abandon ship and start over. Trust extends beyond detrmining whether or not someone will cheat. Can you turst them to consult God? Can you trust them to care for you as well as they care for themselves, Can you trust them to make good decisions? If answers to these questions, or questions like these are "no" then take two steps back, and stay there. A return to fellowship is a good step in reestablishing the basis of the relationship. But at no point should distrust and love of any kind (Eros, philos, agape) meet. Many relationships fail because someone didn’t trust themselves, or didn’t trust the person they we attached to. At this stage of the relationship, the two involved parties should be helping each others growth through encouragement.
Dating
This is the stage when he listens to Bey and “Puts a ring on it.” Engagement. This is the first time God looks at the relationship and recognizes a covenant. The man(yes the man) has consulted with God, and received permission from her father to take the young ladies hand in marriage. It’s during this stage that you are to inure yourself to be married. It’s an intense process that should include pastoral counseling. Nobody wins a marathon without training first. You are preparing to kill your singleness in one swooping bound, so it’s important that you cross the emotional T’s and the spiritual I’s. I hope you enjoyed the single manifestation of yourself…cus after dating is over its dead. This stage sets the infrastructure for the marriage. Hopefully, all key concerns and worries are addressed and rectified. This is the perfect time to solidify financial, emotional, or spiritual woes that could unintentionally make your marriage more difficult to execute. Remember, you’ve been operating as single person for your entire life. You don’t shed that mind state overnight. Pause. You thought you were supposed to move in together right. Maybe test the goods. Once again Kimosabee…slow down. You’re still single remember. That doesn’t change until the old preacher looks over his glasses and ask that you say “I do” at the wedding ceremony. Patience grasshopper. Patience.
Marriage
The entropy of self and the birth of on(I talked about this before, no need to revisit it). This too started with a piece of notebook paper similar to the one you got in 5th grade. Only this time it was for real. “Will you marry me? Check yes, no or maybe” You take out your Premium Pilot Ink Pen and check maybe…nah just kidding. You check yes. I mean you came this far. I’m sure you’re ready. Enjoy your forever…you've earned it.
No comments:
Post a Comment